OK, so things here in the hacienda aren’t back to the status quo.  DC is still unemployed (and I’m terrified about what will happen if he doesn’t procure employment & October gets here…that money runs out), and I’m waiting to hear back on my financial aid.  I filed about 5 days late because I was in the hospital…again.  And when I was sent my verification packet, I did all that & sent it in within the allotted time.

Having checked on my FA every day since about mid-June, I’ve got nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  Zilch.

Now…I’m panicking.  Fall ‘09 semester is rapidly approaching and I’ve got nothing to pay my classes with.  And the fact that I had to drop all my courses this past Spring, they’re being assholes.  They don’t know IF they’ll put a hold on my classes (which means I may lose cause this campus is now getting crowded) and IF they approve my FA, I’m going to have to pay out of pocket for the Spring & wait for a reimbursement once all the Fall grades post.

It doesn’t matter that I was on the Dean’s List, doesn’t matter that I was recommended for the honors program.  They’re just pissed that I dropped in Spring & they don’t care that I almost took the “long dirt nap”……twice.

Considerate of them to be so understanding, huh?

On the medical front, my MD is battling my health insurance for everything.  They don’t want to cover my reduction, they don’t want to cover a new MRI of my lower back, they didn’t cover my last visit to the PT (which I have to go see because its part of the recommendation process).

I will applaud myself because I haven’t been back in the hospital since May.  Which is wonderful.  Sad that I’m excited over that.

Otherwise, kids are back in school & loving it.  And my parents will be here sometime in August (which I am SERIOUSLY dreading).

That’s the update & I am out of here.

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UPDATE: Just received word from my FA counselor that they’re going to hold my classes & I should report to school on August 17th!!  AND the insurance thing is being looked into by the HR contact for Union Pacific.  WOOHOO!!  Maybe things ARE looking up!!

Since I don’t want to post about all the crappity-crap-crap going on in my life any longer (because it seems the more I bitch about it, the more it seems to pile up…seriously), I’m going to do one of them answer quiz things you find all over Facebook.

Yeah…I know….boring.  But the alternative is even worse.  So here we go.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

1.)  Seven states you’ve been to?
FL, CA, NV, NC, AZ, TX, LA

2.)  Six things you’ve done today.
put crap in the dryer, put in a load of laundry, got Jake dressed, brushed Lea’s hair, brushed Jake’s hair, logged into Facebook

3.)  Five favorite things in no order
my friends, my kids, history, facebook, my cell phone

4.)  Four people you last talked to
Mom, Pop, Bubba, DC

5.)  Three wishes?
for DC to find a good job, my FA to get approved TOTALLY, to feel better mentally

6.)  Two things you want to be when you grow up?
history professor, egyptian paleoanthropologist/archaeologist

7.)  Has anyone ever tried to ruin a relationship you were in?
Yes

8.)  This survey gets a little personal .. can you handle it?
Sure

9.)  When were you last picked up from the ground?
It has to be a while now.  I think it was when I fell on the floor in the garage.

10.)  When did you last go in a car with a boy/girl?
Yesterday.  Dale drove me to my PT appointment.

11.)  When were you on the phone last and with who?
The other day & it was with both my mom & pop

12.)  What are you excited for?
Well, I was excited for the upcoming school semester…but FA is being stupid.

13.)  Are you scared to fall in love?
Nope.

14.)  How fast does your mood change?
Too quickly.

15.)  I bet you miss someone today?
I do.

16.)  Can you honestly say you’re okay right now?
If by OK you mean, being broke, having only 1 car that works currently, not knowing when my FA will get approved, wondering how much longer it’ll be before DC finds a new job…then yes, I’m OK.

17.)  What were you doing at 4am?
I think I got up to get a drink.

18.)  Where do you live?
Raleigh, NC.

19.)  What do you drive?
A 2000 Nissan Quest

20.)  Are you a jealous person?
Nope.  I feel you can do what you want.  Its your life & you’ll have to live with the repercussions of your actions.

21.)  What are you listening to?
The ending credit music to Harry Potter.

22.)  Would you go in public looking like you do right now?
Yeah, but I’m pretty sure I’d get arrested, since I don’t have any pants on.

23.)  Is there someone in your life that can always make you smile?
My kids.

24.)  What’s something you really want right now?
More than I want to go back to school, I want DC to get a job.  I feel better when he feels better.  And right now we’re both caught in a vicious cycle of making the other feel worse.

25.)  Are you slowly drifting away from someone?
Yes & no.

26.)  Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Depends on my mood.

27.)  When is the last time you saw your sister(s)?
Like 5 years now?  We don’t see one another because she lives in Miami.  But she’s also dating an incredible butthead, so even if I WERE in Miami, I wouldn’t see her.

28.)  Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
Oh yeah!  Famous:  Joltin’ Joe DiMaggio.  Non-famous:  Todd, my niece Amber & my great-nephew Julian.

29.)  Where did you get the shirt you’re wearing right now?
Old Navy.  That’s where I get most of the shit I wear.

30.)  What are you doing this week?
Being depressed, playing Sims, trying to clean the house, go bitch to Sprint

31.)  Do you put ketchup on top of your french fries or on the side?
On the side.

32.)  How many 20 dollar bills do you have on you right now?
None.

33.)  How is your relationship with your mother?
Dysfunctional is a good term for our relationship.  Tense is another good way to describe our relationship.

34.)  Does anybody hate you?
Not that I know of.

35.)  Ever been out past your curfew?
I was known to ALWAYS bust my curfew. 

36.)  Anyone of the opposite sex been on your mind lately?
Yep.  But not in that sex/love way.  Cause I’ve been thinking about my Bubba

37.)  Are you nice to everyone?
I try to be.

38.)  Do you like funny people or serious people?
Both.

39.)  What is your biggest regret?
I’m going to plead the 5th on this one.

40.)  Would you ever date someone who was gorgeous but they had a conceited attitude?
Nope.

41.)  Expecting something to change in the next month?
I’m hoping something will change, but I’m not holding my breath.

42.)  Yesterday night, what did you do?
Pretty much cried myself to sleep.

43.)  What is your favorite color?
Black…it matches my mood.

44.)  If you were kicked out of your current residence whom would you call?
My mother….unfortunately.

July 4th is right around the corner and I’ve never been more depressed or upset.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty much the most patriotic person I know, with Presidential legacies and all.

And usually on July 4th, since moving to Raleigh, we’ve spent the 4th at a Carolina Mudcats game, celebrating America’s greatest game (that’s debatable…at least on my part), but hot dogs, sodas, ice cream, patriotic music & fireworks.

But this year, since the pool opening party here in Hedingham wasn’t on Memorial Day weekend like it was supposed to…the Board decided to move the party to the 4th.

While I’ve done an event without The Boss…this will be one of my BIG events without The Boss.  And holy hell…do I feel lost.

How many trays of baked beans?  How many of green beans?  Do I do potato salad or cole slaw?  Pudding?  Fresh fruit?  What about the chicken?  And I know I can’t forget the hot dogs.  I did bring back the sno-cones, though.  And NO GRILLING (even though I really, really want to…)

Why did you leave me and not give me any notes on this shit?  All you ever said was, “you do your part & I’ll do mine”.  Well hell, that shit doesn’t help me now.  What do I know of setting the racks?  I mean…I know Lou will be there…but he’s not you.  And as much as I love him….and as much of a help he’ll be….its not you.

I have put this off till the last minute…I know, I know, I KNOW!!  And I’m so at a loss.  I’ll start tomorrow…I promise.

And just for the record…I still miss the arguing.

Yes, I have great lookin chillins (that’s what they’re called here in the South).  But that’s not the reason for this post.

All of my children attend year-round schools (which are AWESOME) and they are currently tracked out until July 7th.  Its nice, they get 9 weeks of school then a 3 week or 4 week vacay (it alternates).

So since we’ve got 4 of the kids home 24/7, there are only so many sessions of Rock Band, Zelda, Mario Party, Sims Racing, Ghostbusters, Call of Duty 3, SimAnimals & the like we can take in this household.  There is only 1 family TV and they’ve got the Wii hooked up to it.  And NO ONE watches my TV (yes…I’m stingy with my toys…I don’t share well.  Oh & I just got Obscure: The Aftermath & if anyone knows how to get out of the frat house…I’d appreciate a tip or two.  Thanks.)

Anywho…the point of this post.  Those two you see to the left of this post kept pestering me & DC wondering what a blog is, what purpose does it serve & can they have one.

So not wanting to be the uncool parents, we relented and gave them each their own blog.

Claudia, the one who looks a hell-a-lot like me & my sister can be found at:  Claudia’s Thoughts.  She’s very handy with writing, I know she has several of those spiral notebooks filled with stories, poems & SONGS.  Yep, my 13 year old progeny writes songs.  But check her’s out.  Right now its a little “Pepto” for my taste…but there are design changes in the future.  It’ll be cute.

Gabe, the 4.5lb kid who has a question for every answer we give also had to have his own blog & you can find him at: Video Game Inc.  Which knowing my son, is very apropos.  If they could mainline Zelda, my son would be more of a junkie than he already is.  Stop by and see his stuff.  I dig the original Mario theme, cause I learned to kick ASS on that game back in the day. 

Mostly, they just wanted an outlet, to vent, chat, question, etc.  And don’t we all?  I love the idea of blogs and have since DC turned me on to them eons ago.  (Sometimes I write some pretty funny stuff…other times…not so much).  But stop by, let them know you were there.  They’ll appreciate it.

And I’ll appreciate the break from the Wii.  It’ll give me a chance to play a game or two. 

Two birds, one stone.  This is me thinking.  Scary, huh?

Today, I pay tribute to my grand-dads & Pops.  Many of them, as well as cousins & great Uncles have fought in the many wars that have worked their way into America.  From the Revolutionary War to Operation Enduring Freedom.  The many men in my family have put themselves in the line of fire to ensure that I have the liberties I do today & ensure that their grandchildren (great-grands, great-cousins, etc) have even more freedom & liberties.

Its truly been an honor being a part of such a prestigious family.  If I could, I would kiss each one and give them a grateful hug.  And for my Pops, since he is here, alive & kickin….thanks.

The other stuff.

Today I sit on the cusp of knowledge.  Knowing if I’ll just be another over-reactive baby or if my worries will be confirmed.

I hope that the news will be negative in a positive way.  But no matter which way the pendulum of tragedy swings, I’ll take it.  I’ll do it.  I’ll work it out.

Cause that’s just the way Moms made me.

See you all on the flip side.

So you go into the hospital for an asthma attack.  They treat said asthma attack and want to keep you in for additional observation, breathing treatments, CT scans of your bad lungs, etc.

What you do NOT expect is when they tell you that you need a follow-up mammogram because you have a tumor in you left breast.

Yep.

Kinda kicks your ass right back into reality.  And I had so gotten used to living in my little fantasy realm.

So tomorrow, I go see a specialist who will squeeze my boob into oblivion and we’ll find out if Jen has one more trick to pull out of her magic hat.

My Bubba has suggested we name it Uma the Tuma.  My sister wants me to bronze it and use it as a paperweight.

You can see that my family has an odd sense of humor when tragedy happens.

My mother has told me not to panic, but with the way my luck runs…its just about run out.

Jeebus help me now.  I’m in need of a miracle and I don’t really think I am deserving of one.

But I’m asking, begging, pleading.  Just this once.

I am writing to you today from Room Observation 2-11.  The phone number here is 919-350-3751, if you have the inkling to talk to a looney.

Reason for this new visit to the hospital….well, I kinda think I missed the incredible moving bed.  (In reality, I hate this fucking bed.  It moves to help “those that cannot move on their own” from developing bedsores.)  I, of course, CAN move on my own and have managed to rearrange my room & entertain my own personal hospital staff that consists of 3 nurses, 3 pulmonary specialists, 1 respiratory therapist & some poor schmuck who brings me my food.

I’m quickly becoming sick of hospital food and think that may be the way to lose weight FAST.    Since I can’t workout in that old “Kate & me workout days” way back when, because since then I’ve managed to rupture a disk or two and I have the thyroid of a dead person, I’ve packed on the pounds even when I don’t eat.  I swear, fat flocks to me like sheep to Bo Peep.  But she lost her sheep, didn’t she?  Bad analogy.  But you get the jist.

For those of you that have never had the opportunity to have a blood gas test done…AVOID IT AT ALL COST, unless of course, you love pain.  Then I HIGHLY recommend it.  They get to draw blood from an ARTERY.  Which is TONS of fun if you happen to be the Marquis de Sade.  Otherwise, it hurts like the bejesus.  Then to top that off by having just your regular old run of the mill blood test done, ON THE SAME ARM within a span of, oh…say 5 minutes.  They payoffs are GREAT.

They’d better be giving me fabulous pain pills for this shit or I’m going to rip out someone’s jugular.

I have removed myself from the moving bed because I was getting sea-sick.  Now where was I?  Oh yeah….jugulars & shit.

Frankly, they don’t have the slightest clue as to what’s wrong with me.  I mean, I know what’s wrong with me…but that has to do with growing up with my mother as my sole parental unit & that’s a psych case I just don’t feel like delving into right now.  (Sorry Mom…but you did suck.)

They know I have asthma (as does 1/2 the freaking world by now since all air quality sucks in some form or another), they know I have OCD (that one is to blame SOLELY on Mom), I have Migraines (again Mom, but that’s genetics), I have TIA’s associated with said Migraines (not Mom entirely to blame, but hell…lets blame her anyway), I have reflux (which I can blame on my children, because before them…I never had that.  Ever.  So its their fault.)  But it is getting better since they removed my gallbladder on St. Patty’s Day when I should have been getting schnockered, and according to the Blood Gas Doctor guy, my blood is too acidic.  Or not acidic enough….I don’t know how to read the monitor, although he was very nice in showing me all my numbers & shit.  I do know that my O2 levels are spot on.

You know, I really miss the days of being young & thinking I was invincible.  And getting sick meant getting wasted on bad tequila (Kate…that was JUST for you!).  That once upon a time I was thin, I was cute, I was irresistible & I was funny as hell.  Sad to realize I’m just funny…and even then, not so much.

Time takes much more than it gives back.  It takes your youth & leaves you with wrinkles.  It takes your vitality & leaves you with teenagers who hate your guts because, “NO YOU CAN’T WEAR YOUR HAIR LIKE THAT & I DON’T CARE IF EVERYONE ELSE IS & DON’T ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME MISSY!!!”, thus turning you into your mother (which in my case SUCKS ASS, cause who in the hell wants to be like her?)  It takes your fun & turns them into memories…which one day you’ll forget & that’s just as sad…hell, even sadder cause you can’t remember shit.  So maybe (for some) it might be good.  But for folks like me who relish their memories…its going to be killer to one day not remember the time we all got drunk on tequila and had one hell of a party in my old apartment (then again…maybe I DO want to forget that one, huh?)

Being in the hospital surrounded by sick & dying people makes your soul sick.  Especially if you’ve had someone you love die in said hospital.  I know he’s here…somewhere, telling me to quick being so sad, don’t I have some stupid function for Hedingham I’m supposed to be planning, quit feeling sorry for myself & for the love of God, stop dying & start LIVING.

Its that last part I really have trouble with.

Wow, this is turning into one bummer of a post, huh?  Well, fuck that.  Lets get back to the lighter side of this.

I looked at all the pictures of this past weekend’s reunion/regatta and I’m so sorry I missed it.  Seeing my girls again brought smiles to my face that I had long thought had died.  You all look absolutely beautiful.  Kate, you glow with a radiance of none other.  Debbie, how I’ve missed that broad smile that on so many occasions brought a smile to my sour puss.  And Tina, did you make some deal with the Devil, cause shit woman…you look EXACTLY the same as you did when we were kids.  Shit.  I want your secret.  I promise, if they do it next year, I’ll be there…even if I’m at death’s door.  I’ll be there for one last hurrah.

Well, its late here in hospital time (yes, 6PM is late for us sickly folk).  So I’m going to pop in yet another LOTR movie and see if I can’t become even nerdier than I already am (bet some of you didn’t know I took a course in elvish, did you now?  Great…I’ve outed myself as THE biggest nerd in the bunch).

Until tomorrow…..I love you all, I miss you all & most of all I miss a bed that doesn’t move (well….when its NOT supposed to <insert very evil sexy laugh here>)

Kisses and hugs to those who know me & love me best. My friends.

XO,
Me AKA The Sick Person in Room 2-11

Do you know what a dance card is?

The dance card originated somewhere in the early 1800’s and was used by women during dances (balls, etc) and held the list of songs that were to be played that night by the orchestra.  The fair maiden would wear this card on her sleeve and it was up to the gentlemen attending that particular night’s dance to seek out his beauty fair, and sign his name by which song he would like to dance her to.

This was highly considered a popular form of courtship right up into the 1900’s but began to see a waning in popularity immediately following WWII.  Although you may still find some “Card Dances” here and there, this form of courtship has unfortunately gone the way of the dodo.

Now, a gentleman could sign his name to one particular maid’s card and fill it in completely, monopolizing her for the entire evening (this is where you get the phrase, “My dance card is full”).

Sometimes (especially during the USO dances during the war) a lady would turn in her dance card for a variety of reasons.  She wasn’t getting any takers, she had found her “Prince Charming” and wished to no longer dance with another or she was just simply tired and through.

This latter answer is the point of my post here today.

I think pneumonia is trying to kill me.  Either that or Dale and the kids have a “hit” out on my ass and have reduced themselves to biologicals, which we all know is dirty pool.  I wouldn’t put it past them….they’re sneaky little shits, the lot of them.

I’ve been through, God knows HOW many varieties of antibiotics in the past 4 months, tons of steroids, too many hospital visits and just when I think I’m in the clear…..I hear that old, familiar rattle in my chest this morning.  Ahhh….the soothing sounds of loose bolts rattling around in my lungs.  I’ll tell ya, there isn’t a more comforting feeling.

I’m at a point in my illnesses that seriously, I’d like to either get better or just die and get it over with.  Either will suffice, because frankly…I’m tired of fighting.

In addition to finances being UBER (and I use that term sternly) tight around here, my beloved pneumonia kept me from doing something I’ve wished a million times I could do since….around 1998.

Go to Miami ALONE and have FUN with my friends.

And thanks to pneumonia, I was able to miss out on something I will probably never be able to participate in again…unless they decide to do this again next year and my friends who came in from out of state decide to come back for their “REUNION…THE SEQUEL” (imagine some cheesy news station “storm watch” intro music here).

And it wasn’t just to visit with my friends.  I miss my parents (yes, even my mother, and if anyone TELLS her that I miss her…I will find you and I will kill you), I miss my sibs (even if my sister is both dating a tool and IS a tool), I  miss my grandmother, I miss my father (notice I left out the step-monster), I miss my old streets, miss my old neighborhood, miss the familiar sights and sounds that only The Springs and VG can provide.

My Great-Uncle Bob (who has since gone on to the great hereafter and man does that suck ’cause he was cool as all hell) used to tell me that I, “had the stuff the pioneers were made of, fire in your belly and strength in your bones”.  That I could conquer just about anything, handle any situation, fight any fight, climb every mountain…you get the jist.

But I’m beginning to realize I can’t anymore.  Even though my brain tells me I’m still “sexy & 17″ (gotta love The Stray Cats), my body more resembles an 80 year-old invalid, rather than the 37 year-old that I am, wracked and riddled with pain, overthrown by illness upon illness.  I sincerely think I take more meds than MY OWN 80 year-old grandmother.

I’m tired of being tired.  I’m sick of being sick.  I’m done with being angry.  I’m finished with it.  I’m through with having to deal.

Now off to choke down some more meds, lay in bed doing absolutely NOTHING (well…I am playing Harvest Moon) and wish that things would get better…for everyone in this house, city, state, country.

And just when you were wondering why I began my post with a lesson in history….

Here is my dance card.  I’m turning it in.

Sleep has evaded me for years.

This is because I’m a mom.  And we’re not allowed to sleep deeply enough to ignore an atomic blast going off in the next room.  We have to be at the ready, at any moment for puking, fevers, nightmares, bad thunderstorms or boogeymen.

But I’m also an insomniac.  So aside from not being able to get GOOD sleep (even from a mother’s perspective) I can’t sleep if Thor himself knocked me unconscious with his hammer.

When I was in the hospital, they gave me nice heavy drugs for pain periodically.  And they swore they’d make me sleep.  Well, they didn’t.  They made me drowsy, but I’d never sleep for more than a few seconds at a time.

Now day before yesterday, I was again on one of my marathon I-can’t-sleep-for-shit-no-matter-how-many-diazapam-tabs-I-take-even-though-taking-that-much-makes-me-feel-like-an-addict sleepless nights.  It was night #3.  By now (its only taken me YEARS) I’d had it.  I called into my MD and told her that if she didn’t give me SOMETHING to MAKE me sleep like the dead, I would be in a matter of moments.

She called in Flexeril, which as you all know is a muscle relaxant.  And one doozie of a sleeping pill.  I am to take TWO to sleep.

I slept 15 hours yesterday.

Granted, they were the weirdest 15 hours of sleep I think I’ve ever gotten.

DC says I talked nonsense in my sleep.  TOTAL nonsense.  Professors, papers, kids, movies, etc.  I was rambling all over the place.

After talking to my MD on the phone about my lack of sleep, she asked me a few questions:

“I know you have OCD, but what happens at night?”
“You mean, do I keep obsessing while I’m falling asleep?”
“Yes”
“Well, yes”
“Does anyone in your family have sleep apnea?”
“My Daddy does, he has one of those machines….”
“But he doesn’t use it, right?”
“Right”
“Does he have alot of anxiety & stuff like that”
“Oh YEAH!!  Worse than my mother.  He’s always worrying about junk”
“Hmmmm….”
“What’s on your noggin, Doc?”
“I’m sending you to the sleep study anyhow, but I don’t think you OR your father have sleep apnea”
“And you know this how?”
“I think you both might suffer from severe sleep disorder.  But we’ll talk about that when you get back in the office next week, OK”
“Oh, OK.”
“And I’ll call in Flexeril.  That’ll make you sleep”

I forget what she called it, but now there’s something new wrong with Jen (and Daddy as it seems!) but it IS treatable ad thanks be to Jeebus that my MD knows TONS about sleeping disorders.    She’s good like that.

Well anywhos, I also visited the Wake Neuro & Sleep center yesterday to do an intake to see if I have any form of sleep apnea or whatever. The sleep doctor.  Dr. Jag.  He thinks that my migraines, moods & all my other junk is because I can’t sleep well at night.

Well…DUH!  (With exception to the migraines…those I’ve had for eons BEFORE I had sleeping trouble)  I fully believe all my other problems stem from my lack of sleep.

So I have a sleep study scheduled in 2 weeks.

And I’m sure its only to tell them that there is nothing wrong with me, to quit my bitching & buy a new mattress.

My life…this is how it always works out.  Big problem for me, little fix for them.

Anywho, its Good Friday.  Which means Stations of the Cross at Noon & then shopping at Sam’s for tomorrow’s Easter Event at the Clubhouse, where my bro, Lou will play the EB once again.  But this is our first foray into an event without Dad.

Its going to suck, my heart will be heavy & the work will be monotonous.  But the kids will have fun, the parents will appreciate it and I will have done the job he always asked me to do…

A wonderful one.

You know…this is getting to be a little ridiculous.

Round #3 of pneumonia sucks.  The doctors have no idea what is wrong or why I keep getting this.  But we’re on NEW antibiotics to see if we can’t knock this shit out.  Cause the other one was making me worse….sounds just like me to reject something that will ultimately make me better, right?

I’ll tell ya..it sucks.  Royally.

Breathing gets taken for granted when you can’t take a good, one of those…life is wonderful, deep breaths.  I can’t do that.  I can barely get a breath without hacking up a lung.

And don’t worry…I’m not contagious.

But here I sit.  2:40AM, trying to figure out AP Biology for my brother.  Shit…its hard as hell.  I have NO CLUE what I’m doing, bro.  But I am trying.  What the hell am I supposed to fill in on this crap???

Anywho…just thought I’d keep you posted on what I’m doing, with my bad day.

PS – I miss my boss, my friend, my father.  God, this sucks.