Well it just keeps going from bad to worse.  Was I born under a bad sign or something?  I have to think either I’ve really pissed off someone upstairs or the Devil needs someone to plan parties and my reputation has preceded me.

Lets see….last week I had 2 cardiologist appointments & 1 mammogram & ultrasound.  Neither one went well.

According to the Cardiologist, I’ve got something wrong with the ticker.  Or there was something wrong with the tech who took my pictures.  Either way…its disheartening.  He wants me to have an angiogram done just to be on the safe side.  But I decided that since (according to him) I’m not having ANY of the typical problems you would have with the defect he described…I’m going to fore-go the angiogram…for now.  After talking it over with my own personal Doc, she agreed.

Heart junk is now officially on the back burner.

The mammogram on Friday…..what a kick in the teeth.  Yes, it is a tumor (as I say that…I can hear Gov. Arnie’s voice in my head…lol!) and has since grown from when I had the CT done of my lungs 2 weeks ago and they detected the little sucker.  What was once an 8mm anomaly is now roughly 10-11mm and its solid.  So its off to the Oncologist I go.

Incidentally, my doctors office just called to let me know that my appointment is this Wednesday.  I swear, I’ve never been to the MD’s more in my LIFE!  But this is a place that specializes in breast cancer & junk.  They will go over in minute detail about how they will perform the biopsy, when I can expect to hear back from the Pathologist, etc.  Supposedly this is one of the best places to go here in Raleigh if you’re faced with the posibility of having breast cancer.  So I guess that’s a good thing.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told that, “because God loves you, He’s testing you.  And you know He only gives you what He knows you can handle”.

At this point, I’d be happy to have him love me a little less because I’m getting tired of the crap continually being flung in my general direction.

It hasn’t been all bad though.  I went to see Dr. Jag (the sleep doc) who informed me that my REM sleep sucks and I do not have sleep apnea.  Although he did tell me in a really non-direct manner, to get off my lazy ass & lose a good 50 lbs.  To let you know how it went, “The heavier you are, the more prone to apnea you will become.  And right now you’re borderline, so this would mean….” and yes, he did trail off while looking at me and without saying the words, I knew he was thinking, “PUT DOWN THE COOKIES, YOU FAT COW OR YOU’RE GOING TO DIE IN YOUR SLEEP!”

Anywho…I’m depressed as hell.  Dale can’t help.  No one can.  My mom tries to tell me not to worry and then proceeds to tell me more about natural supplements I should be taking.

Its just…..sad.

I keep wondering…how do people who are diagnosed with cancer, deal with it?  Deal with knowing that they might not get to see their children graduate from high school or college, get married, have kids, play grandma.  How do they do it?

I don’t know.

I don’t know if I’ve got the gumption to make it if I get the BLAMMO! news.  But I do know I’ll try, as hard as I can, to muster up any of that old piss & vinegar I used to have…and hope to hell it helps me jump these next few hurdles.