When last we left you…all things were peachy between me and the future Mr. ex-Jennifer.  Divorce isn’t such a bad thing when it makes you better people, which in our case…it did.  We were much better apart than we ever were together.

But now its Tax Season.  Ahhhh…that old familiar argument.

Every year, its the same thing.

“Do you know all the tax cuts?”

“Yes, don’t you ask that every year?”

“Don’t get smart.  Do you know about the EIC?”

“Didn’t I just say I knew all the tax shit?”

“I’m not going to start an arguement with you!”

“Then stop being an ass, stop asking me the same questions you’ve asked me for the last 7 years and let me do what I need to do!”

“Why do you have to be such a bitch?”

“Because you ask the same damn questions, I give the same damn answers and every year its the same damn thing.  I get you what you want, because I’m good with the numbers, you just can’t shut up for 2 damn days and let me finish the shit!”

“Don’t talk to me like that!”

“Don’t talk to ME like that!”

“I swear, you’re such a pain in the ass!”

“And I swear that if you’d LISTENED to me and sold the damn house like I told you to FIVE years ago, we’d have none of this shit and I wouldn’t have to deal with your repeated fuck-ups.  DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?”

“I don’t want to talk to you, have MY children call me this weekend.”

“I’ll have MY children call you when I’m god-damned good and ready.”

Now…this is an arguement that has run its course this time every fucking year.  Seriously.  Like I’m some kind of moron…..

So, now he’s being a pissy 12-year old and refusing to take my phone calls.  Nice.  I swear…I’m so sick of this shit.  But I do have one thing to say to him….

I’m Still Standing by Elton John

You could never know what it’s like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there’s a cold lonely light that shines from you
You’ll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I’m coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I’m still standing you just fade away

Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I’m still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah
I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah

Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you’d be a clown by now

Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I’m still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah
I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah

Everyone tells you that “God only hands out that which he knows you can take”. If that’s the case…then who am I?  Jesus Christ, I ain’t.  And last check in the mirror, I didn’t resemble ANY form of Mr. Universe.

Its taken me a week (well two days plus) to come to grips with all that’s going on, and WOW I don’t believe a lick of it.  If I hadn’t lived it all…I’d swear Rod Serling is in some corner waiting to call “CUT” on the cameras.  (Boss…that was for you)

The weather here in Raleigh has been cloudy, cold and weird.  Kinda like my life as of late.  No heads or tails to make of it…just shitty.

Being the USUAL cheery person that I am (and WOW did that hurt to write) I honestly am terrified to ask when I’ll hit bottom.

Should we dare recap?

1. Pneumonia – take #1
2. Migraine & TIA – take #3 & 4
3. Best Friend lands in hospital
4. Pneumonia – take #2 and personal hospitalization
5. Best Friend dies
6. School drops said genius due to medical absences
7. Best Friend still remains dead.
8. Job that keeps house in the manner that it was accustomed to… is now over

Now…anyone keeping score….I’m batting 1,000.  If it would help, I’d take Dr. Leo Marvin’s advice and take a vacation from my problems….but shit….I can’t afford that.

Jen….out.

Oh & Pee-Ess…Its Ash Wednesday.  I’m going to make the trek downtown to the cathedral and make an attempt to walk in the church in the hopes I’ll spontaneously combust.  Wish me luck.

A voice, that I never thought would go away, has been silenced.  Yesterday, I lost one of my best friends.

I’ve only known Rob for 3 years, but in that time he truly made an indellible impact in my life.  And I am all the better for having known him.

Rob was more than a friend to me, he was my immediate boss, my Godfather (mafia…not religious…), my sparring partner, my shoulder-to-cry-on,  my helper, my hero, and my mentor.

I remember the first time I met Rob….good Lord, did he terrify me.  I had gone to a Board meeting here in Hedingham, and there was much brouhaha about the then current messageboard (on Yahoo!) and they were all spouting nasty things about the moderator (me) even though they didn’t know WHO I was or even that I was there.

Rob was one of the louder more authoritative voices there that night and I think I mentioned to Dale, “whatever we do…never piss that one off!”

I couldn’t have been more wrong….well, somewhat.

Later on that evening, I received a message from Rob, basically asking the moderator to email him.  So…I did.  And thus began a beautiful relationship.

We used to tease each other…it all began with an email.

I got friendship and a whole lot more.

I got a father in Rob, a mom in Deb, a brother in Lou, extended family in Jersey, awesome neighbors and friends.  Rob extended everything he had to me…to my family.  He had an amazing heart that just kept on giving…even when it irritated him to give.

I’m still having a hard time coming to grips that I will never see that face again.  Hear him tell me, “can you hear me now?!?!?!”.  Have him tear into me because I haven’t gotten to work on the next upcoming event.  Listen to the pride in his voice as he spoke about Lou.  Get talked into bring the kids over “just for a little bit” and wind up staying 9 hours.

The kids have lost their beloved Uncle Rob…and I have lost a colleague, a partner, a friend, a Dad.

Well…if you hadn’t noticed…I’ve been a tad quiet the last few days.  That would be because I’ve been in the hospital.

Yep.

On Wednesday morning, I woke up at about 5:30AM with my teeth chattering because I was freezing (which is odd since I sleep on a heated mattress pad), wheezing and having chest pains.  After a 3 minute hot-bath, I knew I needed serious medical intervention.

Upon arrival at the hospital they discovered that my pneumonia had not gone away like we all thought, but was still there.  And after some x-rays, an EKG, a CT scan w/ contrast & several rounds of bloodwork and monitoring, they decided to admit me.

The x-rays showed something that resembled “ground glass” in my lower lungs.  They think that early Wednesday morning, I had an episode of acid reflux and had aspirated this acid into my lungs and had stopped breathing.  This would account for the wheezing and the chest pain and the crud they saw in my lungs.

Also my heart rate was well over 120+ while my BP was running around 92/40.  My bloodwork came back and my iron count was zero as was my B-12 & folic acid levels.  They believe this was caused my my wonky thyroid.

So Jen’s all FUBAR’d up.

I’m scheduled to go to the doctor’s on Monday for a follow-up and to get referrals to a Neurologist & Endocrinologist.

I’m on the mend.  Slowly I’ll become me.  Its just gonna take some time.

XO

Have you ever had the feeling that you were lost inside your own life?  Well…this is how I feel right now.

Things are bad here in the hacienda.  I won’t go into the gory details, but its not pretty.  And if things continue on this tact, its going to get uglier.

I had an epiphany today.  And its shaken me to the core.

I’ve got a problem with people loving me.  I really do.  I don’t think I’m worthy of love…of any kind.  Well…that’s not entirely true.  The love I get from the kids…I deserve.  Hell…most days…I demand it of them.  I’m brutal like that.

Anywho…I don’t think anyone should love me.  I’m toxic.  Poison.  Label me & make sure you know the phone number to your local poison control center.  The CDC number is:  800-CDC-INFO (800-232-4636) TTY: (888) 232-6348, 24 Hours/Every Day.

I believe the root of my self-loathing is the fact that I’m not loved by my mother.  Seriously.  Very Freudian…ain’t it?

I have a 21 year-old.  Well….my ex has a 21 year-old.  But she’s my baby.  I raised her since she was 5.  Anywho…she was a pretty good kid.  Just the occasional screw-up here & there.  Totally normal for a kid.  But then she became a teenager.  And then all bets were off. 

We fought.  Like fisticuffs.  Don King.  Golden Boy Productions.  This is true.  And man…did I want to kill her at times.

But I never stopped loving her.  Even when she blamed me for all her shit, stole crap from me, endangered the lives of her siblings, got arrested.  I didn’t stop.  I didn’t LIKE her, but I still LOVED her.  And she’s done more stupid shit, betrayed my trust, made me cry more than I care to mention.  But the love never ended. 

It still hasn’t.  Even though I haven’t seen her in a coons age nor talked to her in months.  The love…its still there.  Just as strong, just as encompassing.

I don’t have that from my mother.  And that bothers me.  You know, even serial killer moms, they still love their kid.  They might be creeped out by their kid, but the love…its still there.

And I wonder.  What is it that I’ve done, that is heinous, so vile…that my mother can’t love me. 

She loves John.  She loves Kathe.  In her own twisted way…she loves Pop.

But me?  No.

So I had this epiphany.  If my own mother who, (as a mom…I know this) should love me no matter who I am, what I become, what I do, what I say. 

If she can’t love me because I’m so repulsive and worthless, why should anyone else?

This is my conundrum and the seed of the latest plant of evil in my life.

Things here are bad.  I mean dreadfully bad.  And possibly life changing.  And I don’t know what to do.  Worse yet, I have no one to talk to about it.

So I’m wondering…where do I go from here?  I think I’m drowning.  And unfortunately, there is no one here to save me.

Shit.  Its been a hell of a weekend.  Wanna run it down with me?  Sure ya do!

1.  The van died.  I mean dead.  Totally.  Who the fuck knows what’s wrong with it this time.  Even I can’t figure it out.

It all started weekend before last when I took it in to WalFart to get the oil changed and the fuel injection system cleaned.  Brought it in…it runs fine.  Bring it home…it runs like shit.  Bucking & stalling all over the place.  And these wahoos have the audacity to tell me that its my cruise control cable/servo.  Um…just because I’m a girl doesn’t make me a fucking moron.

I know more about cars than most mechanics.  (Thanks Dad!)  But this one has me stumped.

I managed to limp it in to the local mechanic down the street and RIGHT as I pull in…it dies.  Complete with smoke (smelled kinda like cotton candy).  I pushed it to the side of the building, deliver my keys to the gentleman & pray for the best.

They haven’t got back to me.  That’s a bad sign, huh?

2.  I am not graceful.  I am the only person I know who can fail to walk on FLAT PAVEMENT.  I fall at the drop of a hat and its usually in a place where I’m going to be highly embarrassed and will severely hurt myself (yes…I KNOW it was a towel rack…I like the baseball story better).

Walking in the AutoZone parking lot…making a vain attempt to fix my poor van, before its horrible demise later on that day….anywho…I digress….

I repeat, walking in the AutoZone parking lot…I twist the ever-loving-shit out of my right ankle.

This son-of-a-bitch is swollen beyond all comprehension and hurts like a mother.  I am the gimp of all gimps.  How pathetic.

3.  Because of said dead van…I now have to get up at the crack of flippin dawn to take DC to work in Durham so I can go to class (of which I’ve missed so many freaking days due to pneumonia and stupid brain crap).

Then I have the honorable distinction of going BACK to Durham to pick-up said nerd from work.

There is a reason I live in Raleigh.  I do NOT like Durham.

No offense to the Durhamites, Durhameans, Durhamions…whatever you all call yourselves…but I don’t like your town.  I understand the cool movie at the baseball field (you know…it INSISTS on itself)…but I don’t care.  Your town is dirty, crime ridden & you have a crappy college.

Yes, I am a Duke hater.  Sorry.

4.  Because I’ve been sick as of late…my house is, once again, a fucking disaster area.  This place should be condemned.

Why is it that the INSTANT the kids know Mom can’t get up…they throw EVERYTHING THEY OWN on the God damned floor?

That they raid the fridge because they know I can’t get up to stop them.

That the dinner I schlepped downstairs (when I shouldn’t have been) and managed to make…they failed to eat.

That even though I have REPEATEDLY said that there is NO WII DURING THE WEEK…they’re playing it anyway.

I really hate them kids sometimes.  They suck.

So now I’m devising in my head, my plan of attack for taking DC to work, going to class, coming home to clean the house, make something for dinner, pick up DC from work and do my homework.

I think, perhaps, there needs to be a allotted section for self medication and child eradication.

Sounds good to me.

Those of you who know me…know I loathe Vista.

When I bought my laptop, I tried (in vain) to get it before they had ONLY Vista loaded computers to ship out.  No such luck.

So here I am with a pretty decent computer and the shit-ass Vista OS.  And WOW it sucked.

I’ve had more days with the blue screen of death than I care to talk about.  I reformatted my computer THE DAY IT ARRIVED.  It has since been reformatted a good 20 times since then.

Well…I’ve lived with the crappy Vista OS and done what I could to make my notebook work as best I could.  Which isn’t easy considering Vista sucks and crashes my system on a fairly regular basis.  But I did what I could.

Anywho…talking with other techies, I heard that the new Windows 7 was GREAT and would help people who have really shitty problems with Vista.  It helps correct the mess and its nifty to boot.

So…the trusting fool that I am, I went to the Microsoft website and downloaded WIN7.  Burned the DVD and set about installing it on my system.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear?!?!?

THE BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH.  Repeatedly.

So I make a vain attempt to reformat my system and lo & behold…I CANNOT REFORMAT MY COMPUTER.

“Why?”, you ask?

Because installing WIN7 has completely wiped out my Vista.  ENTIRELY.

And because I have separate partitions on my system (dual core processors rock), there is NO Recovery Disk.  Its on the hard drive.  But I can’t access it, because its been wiped clean.  So I am now forced to call HP (which I LOATHE) to get them to send me a recovery disk for the low, low price of $30.00.

Wheeee.

Well, now the recovery disk is here and I’m in the process of reinstalling all of the lovely things I had loaded on my computer.  Including all my school stuff and my pictures, addresses, files & shit.

Its been a long ass day.  With all my suffering (and I’m sure there are others who have fallen for this crap) I can only hope that the day Bill Gates dies…there is a BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH waiting for him in hell.

One can dream, can’t they?

Woot.  Again. 

Have you ever stepped out of the shower into a closed bathroom and its hot, sticky & gross and you instantly realize you need another shower?  This is what it feels like to live in Miami.  And add rain.  Whenever.

Have you ever stood in your kitchen with the oven set to 450° and every breath is labored and feels like you just might spontaneously combust?  This is what its like to live in Los Angeles.  And add gun-fire.  Whenever.

Oh alright…add smog too.

I don’t know what it is about winter that some folks just can’t get behind.  I love the cold. Having grown up in Miami and lived in LA for 12 miserable years…I get giddy when a cold front approaches.  I can hear the groans from my neighbors and friends though.

“Not ANOTHER snow day!”

Yeah…they usually tend to make me sicker than shit.  But who cares.  The fluffy white stuff on the ground.  Breathing like a dragon when you open the front door.  Needing to wear layers INSIDE the house.  Putting on my sexy knee-high socks and sipping hot Earl Grey from my Maleficent mug.  Watching the extremes the children will go through to beg & plead with me to allow them outside ONE MORE TIME.

I know that I could quite conceivably live in Alaska with no problem.  I like snow, open spaces & moose  (is the plural mooses?  mise?  moosi?) I could do without the surly, drunk Eskimos (did you know that they have the highest per capita inebriated demographic in the US for the past 14 years?)  And I’m not crazy about seal blubber.  But I can live in a cabin surrounded by majestic pines, watching the snow drift get higher and higher.

Can’t you see me crusin along in snow mobile?

Anywho…good old Jack Frost is listening.  Momma gets more snow.

Thanks, Jack.  I owe ya.

I’ve been able to sleep the past few nights…thank Jeebas for benadryl & the z-pak.  I’m not a hacking, wheezing mess.  Although the mess part…its still debatable. 

But here I am.  2AM.  Wide awake, now that I’m officially on the mend.  Why you ask?

PAIN.

I feel like I used to feel when I was working out…way back when.  Have I been weightlifting and not telling myself?  The burning and ache in my shoulders and neck is enough to make me want to go coma in lava.  Heat would help…maybe…right now, its not doing jack (I’m sleeping on my electric heating pad).  I wonder if there is a “SOLAR FLARE” setting on this bad boy?

So…since I can’t sleep…I’m indulging in all the best late-night TV has to offer.  Enjoy my wanton ramblings.

I’ve watched the AKC Eukaneuba Dog Championship.  I am peeved that the Shih didn’t win in Toy.  Damn that judge….the Brussels.  I only like Shihs.  Its a Ted thing by way of Buddha.  Why are all dog handlers freakish looking?  Do the people in the audience need to look like they’re all going to Senior Prom?  And for those of you who are curious…the Pointer won for Best In Show.  Cute dog.  Ugly handler.

Encore has some interesting programming tonight.  I wonder who’s working the controls.  2 WONDERFUL Hollywood cinematic gems:  Volcano, followed by Dante’s Peak.  Someone has a sick sense of humor.  I lived in LA for 12 years…I often dreamt of its wicked incineration via volcano.  I’m not that lucky.  I couldn’t even get a decent earthquake when I lived there.  I hate LA.

Temperature update…its cold.  Weather channel says its 32°F feels Like 25°F.  It feels like -5°F in my room.  I’m too tired to go downstairs and click on the heater.

My new sheets are itchy.  Yes, I washed them.  In hot water.  With lots of fabric softener.  They’re pretty though.  I’ll leave them.  New sheets rock.

Who told Tommy Lee Jones he could act?  Or Anne Heche for that matter?  They both suck in this movie.  But then again, this movie sucks.

My computer is running butt-ass slow.  Like freakishly slow.  Like I’ve got a virus slow.  I hate that crap.  My computer needs to be faster.  Like speed-of-light fast.  Its will never do that, because its got Windows Vista.  Bill Gates should be shot for his Windows OS’.  They all suck.

I think its raining outside.  Or maybe that’s the turtle tank bubbling.  I can’t tell.

Oh well…I think I’ll go lay down with Charlotte & dream about itchy sheets.  Woot!